Wanderlust… to soar in a grand way…

lumuha ako para sayo.

ramdaman ko ang pangungulila
ng yong mga mahal sa buhay.

ang agam agam sa yong pagkawala.
kinuha ka daw ng mga malalaking lalaki na naka-sibilyan
at sapilitang ipinasok sa isang owner jeep.

at mula noon ay di na nakita pang muli.

hindi ka umuwi ng gabing yon.
naghintay ang iyong ina.
tumawag sya kay Anton, ang iyong kasintahan
na ngayon ay nag-aalala na rin.

hindi ka daw sumasagot ng una sa text
at makalaon, ang yong cellphone ay patay na din.

lumuha ako para sayo.

natatakot isipin kung ikaw ba ay kanilang sinaktan.
piniring ba nila ang yong mga mata habang tinatakot ang iyong isip
sa kung anong naghihintay na kapalaran?

pinagsasaan ba nila ang iyong pagkababae? upang kitilin ang iyong tapang?

lumuluha ako sa takot at galit.
hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano mo matatagalan
ang kanilang mahahalay na kamay at malilikot na isip, abala sa pagtakot sa yong ulirat.

18 buwan na ang nakaraan.
hindi pa rin alam kung nasaan ka.

para kang bula na naglaho.
kung di dahil sa mga naiwan mong mahal sa buhay-ina, ama, kasintahan, kapatid at kaibigan
na pilit binabalik ang iyong alala,
pilit itinatanim ang yong pagkatao.

hindi ko lubos maisip na may nawawalang tulad mo.
hindi alam ang dahilan. hindi alam kung sino ang may gawa.
pilit tinitikom ang tinig ng yong katotohanan.

18 buwan.
ang pagtataka ng yong mga naiwan. ang paghahanap sayo. ang pagluha ng yong ina
sa bawat gabing umaasa na makikita ka pa.

18 buwan.
ang paglaban sa sistema. ang pangamba para sayong buhay.

buhay ka pa nga kaya? tanong namin.
gusto ka na lang nilang makita.
kung paglalamayan, sige tanggap na nila. isauli ka lang, kahit bangkay tatangapin nila.
malaman lang kung nasaan ka…

18 buwan.
umaasa. minsan nawawalan ng pag-asa.

para sa mga mukha na binubura at tining na pilit pinapatahimik.
para sa mga kamay na pilit ginagapos.
para sa mga matang pilit tinatakpan.
mga paa na pinutol at kinalat sa kung saan.
para sa mga katawang nakalutang sa ilog na nilimot ng panahon.

patuloy ang pag-asa at paglaban.

happy mother’s day nanay. did i turn out ok? you were so proud of me then. are you still proud of me now?
i never got over being your little girl, even as you smile at me from the heavens.

you’re listiening to me, right? even now when all i have of you is your memory and your sweet scent.. i can still smell you, the essence of you.. i miss you so much nay.. when i stop and keep still, i cannot believe you are really gone.. we used to have such fun just talking to each other, right? you listened and smiled to all my stories.. and approved of all my plans..

i miss thinking my thoughts out loud with you. i miss being taken care of by you. i miss how we argue and i’d be mad at you, but you’d prepare my favorite meal and then everything will be alright between us again..i miss.. i simply miss..

in my mind, you are still as beautiful, as loving, as gentle, as understanding as ever. even our fights are memories i treasure.

but i am sorry that i spent so much time away from home. i know you understood though. i know you wanted me to set out on my own and be independent. thank you for raising me with enough love, enough caring and enough “tough love” to prepare me for your passing.. thank you for giving me the best of who you are. for making my life so much easier than your life had been,, for being my strength when i didn’t always get what i wanted- that made me grounded.

thank you for the self-sacrifice so that I can soar.. for being who you were that made me who i am now.

thank you for being the best mum ever! I love you nay.. you can hear me, right?

It was everything and nothing. Our bodies made promises our souls hope to keep. We are who we are and we are helpless in the midst of this bliss.. hoping against hope our passion could suspend reality.

You are who you are. And you loved me. Every sinewy limb.. Every bit of feeling that is in you. You shed tears for me last night. You hoped for your dream.. fantasy to withstand eternity.

But I breathe and I am real. Reality beckons and we have to come dowm from the heavens we visit each night.

I want to drink in all of you. Keep you in my memory.. until you nestle in the deepest crevice of my being, never letting go. I want you. Need every breath, every sigh that brushes against my lips..my thighs.. my skin..

Why such tragedy in the midst of this paradise? Like the havens with the thunderstorm behind the clouds spoiling our romantic rendezvous.

Why must reality invade this solitude? Unearthe the secrets of souls entwined, reaching for eternity.

Run along reality! You are not welcome here.. your noise is jarring. Like cold sleet on my warm toes.. don’t wake us up.. i beg you.. don’t..

Why must you wake us up from this beautiful tableau?

the muse is alive
like flowing water from the rivers
opening onto the seas

never still
but silent
soundless musings
buried deep in her womb

she floats
like an angel taking flight
to where her beloved is

she moves
sinewy flesh
liking what yet she cannot see

soon, she thinks to herself
she dreams…soon

if this be love
then let it be love
for nothing
can describe the heat in her flesh
the ache in her belly

yearning for a kiss
a touch that is to come

nothing but love

if they love
then their breath
shall meet in the distant sky
silently akin to a whisper

silent
silent

yet understanding who love is
they love
like the rain unrelenting
on a rainy day

and strangers be lovers
swept off in a dream

an ode to love
the muse stirs

my skin burns
every atom in my flesh moves
never at rest
as if anticipating, nay, expecting your touch

every breath
each sigh
waiting in expectation
of your kiss

you’re beautiful
and i too see my beauty in your eyes
those deep pools of green..blue
kaleidoscope of colors that explode in my heart

how can we live when we’re apart
i ask you, how?
pragmatic hearts, alas
living but not really..
not really..

come back soon
my quintessential
my dear mr. marvel..

natutunan ko

ng tanggapin ang

pangungulila ko sayo…marahan..unti-unti..

marahil ganun talaga

ang buhay

magmamahal ka ng nilalang

na pupukaw sayong puso at

uhaw na kalamnan

nangungulila ako sayo

at hindi salita ang papawi

ni hindi tayo magkaintindihan

sa gitna ng napakalawak

na dagat

mistulang himpapawid

na walang matanaw

ngunit alam ko mauunawaan mo

ang lalim ng pangungulila ko

pag nadampi ang aking

kamay sa hibla ng yong

buhok

sa pisngi ng hindi paglimot…

ang yong pisngi

na tila gatas

na nais kung inumin

batid ko mauunawaan mo

ang salitang pangungulila

kapag dumampi ang labi ko

sa labi mo

parang ulan papawi ng aking

uhaw.

uhaw na uhaw ang puso ko

sa yong paglingap

maari ba kitang hagkan sa

panaginip, nang kahit man lang

sa pagtulog mayakap ka

at maamoy ang yong matamis

Na hininga..

nahan ka? ang matipuno

mong bisig na ngayon ay

alaala na lamang, hindi ko

maibaon sa limot.

ang yong halik na buhay ko

at pag-ibig

pag-ibig nahan ka?

bakit napakalayo ngunit

dama ko ang iyong init

ramdam ang higpit ng iyong yakap

ang hininga sa aking batok

na tila guni-guni, ngunit

damang dama ng ulila kong

katawan… ang katawan na

hindi ko maturuang lumimot…

hanggang sa muling

pagnanaig..ng ating mga labi..

mga puso..

Hope had always been my friend. I remain truly hopeful regardless of my circumstances. Even at the lowest ebb of my season, I pray to our Lord to give me strength in hope.

And the Lord has not let me down. Amidst the setbacks in both my career and my personal life, the Lord has remained faithful in filling my heart with enough hope to see me through anything.

As I prepare for the coming year and the changes that 2008 ushers in, I remain hopeful that things can only get better. A new challenge awaits me even as I take on the daunting task-rather, opportunity- of working/consulting for an international organization.  To be very honest about it, my heart is gripped with fear, second-guessing if i am cut-out for this seemingly big role, big shoes- however you may call it- that my small feet (figuratively) may not actually fit into.  Still and all, the Lord has presented me with this opportunity and I accept it with an eager and a grateful heart.  I thank God for the talent and skill He has blest me with, and I am hopeful that He will give me the wisdom to put such to good use in my new workplace.

Meantime, I am leaving behind friends who have been kind to and accepting of me, allowing me a place in their hearts.  As cliches would have it, there is no easy way to say goodbye. But as this piece would attest to, I am hopeful that such friends and friendships will survive the test of time and distance.

I remain hopeful that this new path I shall soon trudge shall likewise allow me the good fortune of new beginnings and new friends.

It is sad though that 2007 had also been a year for losing friendships. I take full responsibilty for their loss, as I know I took certain choices that broke the friendship.  I am saddened because I had always hoped too that these friensdhips would have blossomed as the years pass, and I was greatly surprised that they turned sour at the end of the year. Alas, as in all good things, they too found their end. I am not, however, closing my doors on these relationships, as I know that when the opportune time comes- in God’s perfect time- these wonderful friendships would bear fruits again.

Finally, I remain hopeful that 2008 will be full of adventures, exciting new characters, witness the strengthening of relationships (romantic-smile,smile- or otherwise) already forged; and my one greate hope- full of wisdom.

I pray for wisdom for each and everyone of us that we shall all do what is right and what is pleasing to the Lord. A daunting task indeed, but I remain hopeful as ever that the Lord will likewise provide us with the strength to do as He pleases.

"Hopeful" new year everyone!

I am the younger sister of an officer in the Philippine army. Though my brother is not from the PMA, by sheer hard work, he has managed to become a ranking official. At this very moment, he is assigned in Lanao, and as an Engineer, he takes charge of roads or building construction somewhere in that region of the Mindanaos. His troops have been doing this to connect far flung areas to the main city. They brave the likelihood of being ambushed by the NPA’s or other extremist groups while they provide their services to the lowly folks of the nether regions. He has been doing this for many years now, after his long stint in military action, battling gun shots with gun shots, when he was just a lieutenant with the Scout Ranger.

My brother is still paying for the monthly mortgage of his house in the province. He is still paying for the educational plans of his two sons. He drives a dilapidated vehicle to bring his kids and wife to the mall or to the park when he is on furlough. Despite times being hard and money not overflowing, he has maintained his integrity and good name. He has raised beautiful and good sons who I have seen are proud of their father’s accomplishment. He obtained his Masteral’s through government grants. He is very thankful. And even if he has very little in terms of monetary returns as a Major in the Philippine Army, I see that he finds abundance in his good name, in the respect of his sons and wife, and the good sleep he gets every night, knowing every day that he does for his country the service that he took an oath to perform.

My brother is not without ideals. When I talk to him, I see the ideals burning in his eyes. Ideals to him mean that his duty is to serve and protect the people. I remember in our younger days of how he truly desired to be part of the AFP because he wanted to carry the military uniform with dignity. And he has done that these past 15 years or so. I have not heard him complain. Not once. Even when he hears stories of other officials getting ahead because of politics. Even when everybody else seems to be getting ahead of him on account of power play.

My kuya had always wanted a simple life. And I think now, I understand where his happiness comes from. It comes from knowing his worth and performing the duty that he has promised to undertake. I wish there were more soldiers like my brother. I have not always told him this, but I am proud to be the little sis of this man whose life effort is focused on living an honorable life so that his kids and wife could be proud of him.

I am angry at officials who appear to be cavalier of their juniors’ loyalty. I am angry that they can be selfish. I do not know their politics. I do not know their grievances. Perhaps they are valid. But the validity of their grievances does not entitle them to call out to people they can use as shields to further their politics or their causes.

My brother has a lot of causes too. But he has managed to fight his “battles” without putting other people’s lives in danger. He is not without battle scars. He has seen his troops killed in the battle front. He himself had almost been killed. Although he has not articulated this, his actions speak volumes- he loves this country regardless of politics or causes.

Grievances have their channels and just because one carries a gun and has the authority to call out to people to carry their guns too, these channels can be overridden. When an employee is removed from office, wrongfully or rightfully so, he cannot just carry arms and shoot at his employer. Why should a military official be allowed to carry his gun and take hostage his country to explain why he was removed from office? I mean no offense. Just posing a question.

Life is not easy. There are injustices in this world that we all have to face. A poor man who does not have money to buy food for his family will not be allowed to take the law into his hands by stealing bread. A farmer who has been deprived of his rightful share of land –despite the CARP law- will not be forgiven if he takes arms and goes to the hills to fight for his rights. Why should the law be any different for a high ranking military official?

What is more unfair is that the troops who gather around to protect the disgruntled military officials- again, no matter how valid their cause may be- are poor sons, husbands and fathers who have families relying upon them for support. They have parents, wives and children who at this very moment worry for their safety. And they stand the chance of dying without the dignity of being called military men who served their country. They stand the possibility of dying in combat not in fulfillment of their oath as soldiers of the State abut as renegades who broke the chain of command. And for what? Do they even understand why they are risking life, limb and honor to fight for a cause that perhaps was not even explained to them? I cannot fault them for feeling for their “fallen” or “aggrieved” comrade. They do not know better.

Can this honorable comrade then return the sentiments and “feel” for his troops? Can he ask them instead to remain loyal to the State and to the Filipino people?

I am not pro-GMA. I too was once a UP activist. I too marched and joined rallies when I was in College. But I sincerely believe now that we cannot keep on storming to the streets every time we feel a clamor for change. Why don’t we start with the man in the mirror if we truly want change? Why don’t we become better students, better sons and daughters, better parents, better employees, better employers, better public servants, better individuals? Then perhaps we would not have to take on the very daunting task of having to change the world because each one has decided to make the change himself.

I thank my kuya for inspiring me to be better, by his example, despite the enormity of such endeavour…