Wanderlust… to soar in a grand way…

Premarital sexual intimacy has dire consequences. It disregards the order within which God created the rythm of human life… as it disregards order, it is logical that it creates chaos and chasm- chaos in the heart and a chasm that divides the spirit from the physical self.

This is the story of lust and love. The giving of one’self in sexual intimacy is the most ultimate form of love. But this principle has been flaunted by the radicals and the freethinkers in ways that are totally distatesful, much less in total dischord with the Biblical truth of sexual intimacy within marriage.

God is the source of our sexual desire.  This being the case, it is not bad or evil.  However, when we feed on sexual sin, that is, claiming the glory and beauty of a God-given gift outside of the parameters within which it was given, then we sullify that gift.

On a more practical level, and basing the conclusion on emperical data, ask any girl who gave herself to a man other than her husband and she will tell you that a part of her went "missing" after the act.  This is not "Maria Clara" sentiments.  Even the most cosmopolitan woman would tell you that a sense of "nostalgia" engulfs her when she recalls her previous engagements. For the lack of a better term she would tag it as "nostalgia".  But if it were to be based on biblical truths, that "nostalgia" is the consequence of indulging in something to which one is not yet "ready for".

Ultimately, sex outside of marriage leaves a trail of broken hearts for the abandoned, for the illigitimate child, for the broken families torn apart by the infidelity of either or both spouses, for those suffering from sexually transmissible diseases, for the countless aborted fetuses, ad infinitum.

(more on God’s forgiveness next)

I wonder what you think of, most of the time. I wonder what goes on inside that head of yours… that never ceases to perplex me even when I try so hard to understand.

I love you… and I promised to try and be patient with you, with those small idiosyncrasies that can be frustrating at times… well, most times.

I was told not to try figure you out, being a man and all and coming from Mars.  But it’s hard work… often frustrating, and down right infuriating at times.

I love you… and I don’t want to give up… not on you… not on the beautiful memories we‘ve shared…not on the love I know I have for you.

But I wonder sometimes if you still feel the same for me… not when you’ve changed from my knight to just a tired geezer…

I miss the rendezvous at lunch hours… how you remember me at any given time and buy me sandwiches from Oliver’s or shirts and socks when you’re being practical… how you’d call and ask me if I want bananas or raisin bread just coz you’re replenishing your own supplies…how you’d drop me off to my workplace and come back two hours later with a cute stuffed bear…how you’d be so amused at my excitement about the flowers…

I miss the long drives to tagaytay just coz you want me to taste the bulalo at leslie’s…I miss the way you gaze into my eyes and brush your hand against my cheek… and how you’d fix that strand of hair that draped across my face… how you’d sing the line from “crazy for you” with a big sheepish smile on…how you’d hold my hand when we walk the street of Malate on a Monday night on our way to Suburbia to watch our favorite band… how you’d call early in the morning to remind me of my hearing that day and you don’t want to drive there like a maniac so I better hurry… how you make me feel so pretty and so wanted and so precious….

And angel misses you too and I get sad when she asks me when we’ll go together and take her and her mom to the mall…

I miss how you’d talk to me about your hopes…big plans that included me and how you’d tease me about growing old…together in Australia or Westgrove Heights… maybe…

I miss you…even when you’re right beside me… even when you tell me we’re ok just coz I know something’s changed and you won’t tell me what.

I miss falling asleep in your arms….

“So in those times when the darkness seems to be closing in, you can literally praise the darkness away. Because the one place the prince of darkness will never be is in praises to the Most High God.” These are the words of Ron Hutchcraft, in his annotation of Psalm 8:1-2 “Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger." When you are praising your awesome Lord, you totally silence the devil, Hutchcraft adds.

I struggle with my darkness. Often, I am frustrated that I keep repeating the same sinful disobedience I have struggled with in my pre-Christian days. I search my heart and in my finite mind, I know for sure how sinful my heart has become these past days… weeks……months.

But the Lord is so faithful, even when I am not. He allows me to see His wisdom even in those times when I choose to close my heart and mind to His word. I ask why He loves me so much, when I often feel so unworthy… when I am such a foolhardy girl. But the Lord works in ways we cannot see and often in ways totally alien to us. Maybe this is why we never notice, because we want to mold the Lord according to our ways when the reality and the TRUTH is we should be the one to be molded according to His will.

This is our frailty as humans. We are just sooooo foolish. I am just sooooo foolish. Remember the chosen people of the Bible? Time and again, God would forgive them from their disobedience. But time and again, too, they would keep sinning, even though they very well know that they are just asking for trouble. And ultimately, they find out, over and over, that God’s instructions were for their own good.

I feel that I find myself in this very same road. I know I am repeating the same mistakes but would not quit. In these times when I feel so rotten, it would be so easy to just wallow and think the worst of myself. But as Hutchcraft would say “When it’s the darkest, when it’s the hardest to praise Him, that’s when you need to praise Him the most. Because praise is that blinding light from heaven that dispels the darkness and banishes the enemy.”

And so in prayer I say “Lord, I praise you for being so good, for being so faithful. You have ordained the days of my life in your book, and so no matter how lonely I may feel right now, how hopeless, I know that this is not what You intend for me Father. I know that the Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. I may worry about my past transgressions, my present dilemmas and my fear of the future, but all these are nothing compared to Your awesome might Lord God. Lord, you are so much bigger and so much powerful than all these worries combined and more. This I pray in Jesus awesome name. Amen.”

I encountered Love Story twice- the first time in print as a book, the second on film, and both times it made me cry.

How does one let go of a love so deep, so passionate, it seems like you will never find anything like it… ever again?

I cried because I know what it felt like to fall in love too, once in a not so distant past when I gave all that I could and more yet it did not work out.  Ali MacGraw was right, sometimes things don’t turn out the way you want them to. But somehow, they have a way of righting themselves. I cried for a love that I felt was so right, but in the end turned out to be so wrong.  My own.

I am crying now in memory of the pain of loving and losing that love.  What would be more painful- to lose love to death or to lose it to time?  Wrong timing, that is. I lost love because it came to me at the wrong time- wrong time for him, as the psychology books would later analyze.  But I soon learned that I may bump into love again.  There would always be that chance, no matter how slim, while one lives. But to death? Alas, nothing could be more permanent.

I never knew Eros could play such a major role in one’s life until I found out first hand. I soon learned of the cycle of denial, anger, and acceptance that comes much later because frankly there’s nothing much to do but accept the fact that a love that has ran its course is simply that- a love that has ran its course.  I guess that would have to be the price we pay for being human.  True, the things we do for human love are beyond me. 

Sometimes, we take chances simply because we don’t know any better. We take chances because honestly we don’t know where we’re going or what we’re doing half the time.  I look at my own life and I know I’ve taken more chances than I would have cared to admit. I thought myself stupid for having taken those chances. I thought of the cruel things people would say about my mistakes.  But the truth is, it is not what other people say about the choices we make that should matter but what our Lord would say.  I realized I have lived my life the way I wanted to, based on my emotions.  But our emotions can fool us, and our feelings can lead us to make the wrong choices.

Ali and Ryan took a chance at their love. They both dived into love and life, despite the odds against them. Ultimately, they were not given the choice- fate decided that their Love Story must come to an end. Sure it’s only the movies, but in our own lives, how many times have we taken for granted all the good things that came so easily? How many times have we taken advantage of the people who care about us just to get our own way? And how many times have we blamed God for our pain because we made the wrong choice, forgetting that our choices were arrived at through our own free will?  Not because God pushed us to it.

Life is no fairy tale. I of all people know that because I have not had it easy too. Opportunities were not always handed to me on a silver platter.  And as for love?  Well, I still am alone.

I will not say I love being alone.  I would have preferred to be with that one great love whose image I used to carry in my mind, in my heart.  It’s just that somehow, it never came to pass.  And really, there’s nothing wrong with me. And that’s not just to make excuses.  I’ve been involved a couple of times in the past, but no one formula seemed to work for me.  To slightly echo Ally McBeal- I’m fairly attractive (hold the side comments/violent reaction, I am trying to downplay this as hard as I can), I have healthy eggs, and being alone just seems to be… not right?

I used to rationalize a lot about this stage I’m in, which at one point in my life I had hoped to be temporary.  I reasoned that maybe the right man has not yet come along, that God has other things planned for me; that love when it deems me worthy will land on my lap….

I have stopped reasoning now.  I came to accept that sometimes, things happen and the reasons for them are God’s alone.  They just do, they just are.  But that does not mean I have stopped struggling.  Despite my acceptance of God’s direction, I remain to be human and still long for that companionship, the lasting kind that leads to marriage and family. 

Sometimes, in my darkest moments (these seem to be the days close to my getting my monthly period and my hormones rage inside me), I would wrestle with God and ask Him why has He led me to this place?  I am still finding out the answers.

Meantime, I make the most of what the Lord has blest me with- family, friends, time and the opportunity to grow into the woman He wants me to be.  I go to the gym (not really losing weight but at least keeping mentally and physically fit), I am editor of and writer in a law journal, I am a full-time lawyer in a firm and part-time lecturer in a law school, I attend my church and gather my strength from God, though I have been missing out on my church growth group these past weeks my growth group friends remain faithful and continue to lead me back, I plan to study the bible on a deeper level through the discipleship efforts of my church… I plan to enroll in an acting class by summer…I have countless books to read…then there are the dinners, coffee breaks, and outings with good friends who make my life richer…

I learned a thing or two with my broken relationships.  I learned that I loved the first time with as much fervor as I have loved the last time. And yes, I was never sorry for it.  Love means never having to say you’re sorry.  I guess, ultimately, it means you’re not sorry because you never regretted sharing the moments with your beloved.

And I never regretted. Yes, I can look back now and say, I never regretted that “he” happened in my life. My life is richer because of him. And I am positive his life is richer because of me.  And that’s not bragging about it.  It’s the only thing I can be sure of: that I gave it my best when I had the chance. There would be no what-ifs for me- what if I did this or what if I did that.  None of that for me, despite the pains it may have caused me.  To paraphrase Genesis 50:19, God can bring good out of every bad thing that comes our way.  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.”

I could harp on about being a better person and all that stuff. But who’s to know and who’s to say? Most times, living life is simply the best lesson there could ever be.  And next to it?  Learning just the right time when to step back and walk away.  It’s about admitting that things are not what I imagined them to be, so then I must now accept that and re-focus my energy on forgiving myself for making a mistake.  Or for failing even. If God can forgive me, who am I to be so unforgiving of myself?  It’s like taking away the credit from my Saviour who died on the cross for me.

It’s about knowing that you have reached a really hard brick wall and knocking your head against it is not a wise idea.  That head of yours could still be useful for something else, you know. It might just come in handy in building new friendships, and who knows, in meeting a new love.  I know it’s easier said than done, but I do know too that I must at least try. 

I have learned to be kinder to myself.  I have not always been so.  I used to beat myself up thinking how foolishly I have handled myself, the situation I was in, not knowing that all I had to do was confess my sin and ask Christ Jesus to be the Lord and Saviour of my life.  My bondage, I believe, was idolatry, making my relationships as little substitute gods in my life.  Instead of relying on God to make me complete and whole, I turned to my desire for human relationship and the hope of marriage for my happiness.   

As a fledgling Christian, I sometimes need reminding that the Lord of my life is Jesus Christ and not a new relationship with a great guy or getting married. I have come to accept that man, by his frailty, would always disappoint.  Friends may not always be there, not because they are unkind but simply because their own travails cry out for attention.  But the one thing constant is my God who has helped me through the most difficult moments of my life…losing my mother…failing in relationships.  In Jeremiah, He said “For I know the plans I have for you, plan to prosper you and not to harm you…plan to give you a hope and a future.”

I cling to this promise.  And his plan for me may be a mate in the future, a family, and beautiful kids.  Or not.  I do not know.  Meantime, while I wait for His plan to unfold, I am reminded in Psalm 139 that all the days ordained for me were written in His book before one of them came to be.

I believe that the Lord is refining me as I keep still and wait on Him.  It is so easy to fall into the old trap of leaning on my own understanding and trying to solve my “singleness” issue.  As a 31 year old single woman who has a thriving career in the legal profession, who lives on her own and can afford to be financially independent, it is easy to believe that perhaps I can take matters into my own hands and make things happen.  Or fall into the self-pity hole, wailing “I’m tired of taking care of myself”.

But I remember God’s promise in 1 Peter 1:6-7, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes though refined by fire-, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Christ Jesus is revealed.”

My life as it now stands may not be such a great testimony to God’s glory and praise, but He continues to mold me and despite my lapses, the Lord simply won’t give up on me.  I may feel rotten right now but my God is still crazy about me. All the time.

The Greatest love story of all is God’s love for man…we love Him because He loved us first.  In His unfailing love, He comforts me and overcomes my hurts and fears- hurts of the past and fear of the future.  Nothing is too hard or impossible for God.  In Jeremiah 32:17 it is written, “Ah sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for You.”

And in this I take comfort.  Regardless of what’s happening in my life right now, as long as I pin my hope on my God, my Rock, my Redeemer, then all is fine.  My love story is yet to unfold.

You fascinate me

With your dark brooding looks and powerful stance.

You took my breath away.

I did not know

I could chance upon someone like you.

Yet you happened.

And like some hidden route less traveled, our paths crossed-

The traveler and the valley.

You amaze me with your power.

Like a dark panther with sinewy limbs

Your strength engulfed me.

Your darkness is so inviting

Oh how I wish I could be lost into you forever.

I did not dream of you.

How can I, mere mortal that I am?

You were too far off for me to even conceive of.

And yet as if you purposely chose me you appeared like a mist.

And I floated.

I yearned for you.

Coveted you like a hungry hyena howling into the night.

And you fed my hunger with the illusion of promises unkept…

As if in a trance, I remained longing with mouth agape.

Then the mist lifted, blown away by the winds of the mundane.

And now I wonder if it was all a dream….