Wanderlust… to soar in a grand way…

At 30, you just really can’t figure it out why you so desperately want to be together, lip-locking and bear-hugging every chance you get, yet end up fighting over the silliest of stuff…

18 or 30, you still don’t get it. You could never figure out why the men in your life behave the way they do, and why you put up with it.  What’s the point of spending time with “someone” if it’s all just for fun?  It ought to go “somewhere”, right?

And what would that “somewhere” be? A deeper commitment? Marriage?  If both man and woman are not ready for marriage, should they even start to get involve? Committed-involve?

If you’re not ready for marriage, should you even date?

The friends would later argue that dating is necessary for knowing if you’ll “get along”.  At least to eventually find out if you’ll get along “enough” for marriage.

Parang outfit, you won’t buy a pair of pants that you have not at least tried to fit on, right? When you go shopping for stuff, di ba you always check it out in the “fitting room” if it’s too snug or too lose or just “about right”?

The dating scene is the “fitting room”. The one-on-one date would always be the more precarious, as opposed to a group date of course.  When two strangers, perhaps introduced by a common friend, or even through the amazing wonders of the internet, meet up for dinner or say a safe lunch, there is always that expectation that tonight might actually be “the night”.  The night you meet “the one”.

Group dates pose lesser “peer pressure”. You’re accompanied by friends who know you well enough to realize whether or not you’d rather ride home with them than with the “prospect”.

Somewhere along the path of failed expectations, perhaps for lack of physical attraction from either or both, or simply lack of chemistry (“Walang spark eh”, the best friend would always say), there is left behind a trail of broken egos, pseudo-intelligent realizations, and the perennial question- Baket? Baket? Bakeet?!

So the girl gave up on dating, the blind or not so blind kind. 

She does not know until when this hiatus would last.  Her well meaning friends have stopped trying to pair her off with this or that guy. And she has no clue when she’ll get back on the scene, but while she’s waiting for her epiphany, she has great friends who keep her company during those lonely nights when memories of the “most recent X” creep up and make her feel the blues.

Having the “girlfriend” makes all the difference.  She’s the girl you call up in the middle of the night because you had a distressing moment, and you are that girl for her too.  She’s ready to hang out for coffee at practically a moment’s notice kasi you have an “issue” (a.k.a. boy(let), and you would too.

Yet she’d understand if you drop her without notice kasi “something came up eh” (read: boy(let). She could live next door to you and you snuggle in her bed while recounting the horrible day you had, and you are that girl for her too, except she sits on your floor coz your bed has no extra space from all the clutter.

She picks up the tab coz you’re poorer than just broke for the week, and you’d do that for her too, if you had the money…sometimes.

She cooks for you and you’d do that for her too.  She hears you wail and break down like a deck of cards.  She lends you her cute shirt or her “this is just so inspiring” book and forgets to get them back from you. She covers for you and you’d do the same for her.

She’s your daffodil; your cheerer; taga hated-sundo when your car breaks down.  She keeps you grounded when you’re wrong but would wait till nobody else is around to tell you so.

And well… you would simply over extend yourself for her because she takes care of you and you really like that, and you don’t want her to think that just because you know with absolute certainty that she’s going to be there for you, always, then you’d take her for granted na.

And you would never do anything to wrong her because you would never ever want to lose her friendship by hurting her.  And if you did wrong her you would simply say “mare I’m sooooo sorry” and she’d forgive you. 

You would do the same for her.

I have often heard it said that the most enduring of love relationships start with great friendships.

Can a man and a woman, assuming they are both heterosexual, just really be friends?

Is it physical attraction that ruins it? I submit that if two people are quite attracted to each other on the physical plane, then sooner or later that attraction will manifest itself in some form – perhaps a slight touch on the arm, a brushing off of a strand of hair from her face that may progress into a lingering kiss.

It could be in the nuances of a conversation, hints from words uttered that make you wonder… hmmm…. Did he just really say that? Or I can’t believe I said that!?

Kissing of course need not necessarily lead to full intercourse. Better judgment would sometimes surface above the fog of sexual ardor and both of you could walk away barely unscathed. The comfortable friendship may return in time, with the realization that sexual stirrings or maybe even boredom with one’s life therefore wanting to do something exciting at that moment, were mistaken for the over rated word “love”.

But there are those who fully walk the path of sexual intimacy, promises made (verbal or otherwise) to each other, leaving a trail of broken friendships, broken egos and unmet expectations.

The men would defend themselves by raising the fact that the women were consenting adults and therefore ought to know better. So now, one may ask the question if it would always be smarter to lay down the predicates first, to actually ask – hey is this just sex or are we having a relationship here?

If this guy is not a total jerk (hopefully he’s not because in the first place he was your friend) he would lay the cards on the table too. Sometimes the man would say – I really can’t offer you anything right now (read: Whoa! Sex is fine but don’t expect a commitment, now or ever). So the ball would be in your court, no pun intended, and well, you can be spontaneous and bring it on. Or you can give him a chaste kiss on the cheek and say, “Thanks but no thanks”.

Lust of course is another thing, though some women would have to use love as an excuse just so they could hit the sack without guilt, while most men of course would need no reason.

And yet, there would always be those who would fall along the gray areas, whatever their moral values would dictate to them, or however their maturity level would process the situation.

In the end, friends or not, everyone just has to learn how to deal…

The other day, I was talking over coffee  to a sorority sister with whom I have had parallel experiences in terms of relationships, and we both agreed that despite the moments of loneliness, of prolonged sighs wondering about the “what could haves and should haves”, we are glad to be where we are now.

“Now” is being single, with thriving careers as lawyers, financially independent, can visit places (with other single friends) at (almost) a moment’s  notice, dating (or not dating by choice: I actually have two guys waiting by the sidelines to go out with me- and I’m really bragging honey, -smile smile- and so does my beautiful friend actually)…, poking fun at and enjoying the triviality of “being” and the deep essence of discovering “what life really is all about”.

This is an exciting moment.  There is so much to breathe in of life and I now wonder at my own idiocy then when I remember being in despair over my lost loves.

I will not deny that I hope to marry someday and bear beautiful children. In my bones I feel that this will come.  God has comforted with the knowledge that His wisdom is far beyond my understanding and His timing is perfect beyond reason. (Which also includes the possibility of being alone, really, but I have not thrown in the proverbial towel yet smile smile)

Nor will I deny that there is still this deep sense of longing in my gut, almost welling up at certain times (particularly when I’m going through PMS and my hormones rage) ready to explode, to “find” my heart’s resting place…the man who will be my life’s companion.  In truth, I celebrate this feeling. It reminds me that I am alive, that I am woman, that I have yet to see the best unfold.

And yet what a great time to be alive, don’t you think? To be this exciting woman who has come to her season in bloom.  I had been an awkward teenager, a pretentious college girl and simply a busy law student. But at my 30’s, I feel like my life has become spring/autumn and summer all at once.

I have been enriched by my relationships, the people I have encountered, the amalgam of experiences that made me who I am today.

And oh the lips that I have kissed… each one telling a story unique by and of itself and mysterious in many ways.  The lives that I too have touched with my fearlessness, with my crazy antics, and my generosity of being… I know with certainty that these lives will not forget me either.  And I celebrate that.

This September I turn 32 and to quote Paris Hilton, I think “that’s hot”…..