Wanderlust… to soar in a grand way…

I’ve decided to give myself the best Christmas gift yet. I’ve decide to embrace ME…

Every bit of extra pounds that i can never seem to lose, even if I do summon all the powers from high heavens… every zit that goes haywire when my hormones rage… every line that slowly begins to show (i confess, i have not had a facial in 3 years! but hey, look at me, i am still every bit the passionate woman that i have discovered myself to be!)… every bad hair day and "i-feel-bloated-so-nothing fits" moments that would ruin an otherwise sun shiny day…

I want to celeberate myslef. Do you mind? I want to cleberate the woman that i have become and the challenges that i have yet to face. I am empowered. Equipped and able. Egor, an epiphany!

It was a long journey coming to this place. This place of warmth and acceptance. It was a bitch of a journey, i say! But it was grand too… filled with characters, places (not necessarily tangible, but here in my heart, nestling), memories, twists and turns… music and dancing

ANd now i am here. i am patting myself on the back, i will not wait or you to do that for me.  I will not wait for you to buy me a romantic dinner. or buy me happiness. i’ve decided to be happy now, even if i am 5 pounds overweight (ok, i’m lying about the number but this is my story so get out of here! :)), even if the bills keep coming regularly like clockwork, even if there are days that i am alone, even if there are days that i’d rather be alone, even if PMS feels a lot like hell, even if i can’t (and may never again) fit into my button fly 501’s…

As the famous Virginia SLims would say- you’ve come a long way baby. And i had  a lot of help. The Man Up there has such perfect timing, that the right character finds me at that precise moment when i have need of such person. There was my mother- nurturing and giving;   my kuya nonoy- the every season pal who knows me, as in really knows me and he’s not running the other direction; my gal pals- my girl friends who truly understand what it’s like to be single, in her 30’s, ambivalent about loves and careers, determined but putty in the hands, ironic…and then there are the schmucks who wander in my paradise and sometimes block my view of the sun- they too have their purpose, unbelievable as that may sound.

I want to embrace every hurt and wound, and the scars that i have to show for them.  Even the forgetable memories, they too have their reason for being. i will comfort myself. i will not wait for you to do that for me. But you can sit here beside me  and we can watch the sunset together.

I will not apologize for my bits of stars that shine like my own madness. i worked hard for them. So what if sometimes i may brag of what i’ve accomplished. You can brag too and i’ll listen to you. Let’s listen to each other and laugh at the world for its madness. There are too much laughters wasted on tears.

And yet, the tears are good too. they wash the soul. So i embrace them as well. I will hug them and cuddle them and call them George!

I don’t always have the answers. I am not strong all the time. My smiles sometimes mask my pain. But i am ok with that because tomorrow is another day. I am ok with that if you are.

I love this year. It was a roller coaster ride. Like a carnival. Like the woods in a beautiful novel, you don’t know what lies in wait at the next bend.

What a rush! What a journey! And to find this gift at the end of it all… that is really something.

I can hardly wait for next year…