To be alone and not forget how that felt…
Saturday, March 10th, 2007Perhaps there are people in this lifetime that are meant to be alone… To explore themselves in ways that coupled people cannot do nor fathom, simply because couples no longer have the luxury of time or that they just do not have the need for it anymore.
I have truly explored myself (and I continue to explore!) as a lone entity after having been “coupled” for most of my adult life. I say this without arrogance or sadness. It just is a fact and I cannot apologize for it even if my self-deprecating mode is up.
I am at times given to bouts of sadness that engulfs me for no apparent reason. But even then, even at the lowest ebb of my season, I cannot ignore the fact that I am content. Not the kind of “contentment” brought on by fame or wealth or a “great relationship”. I do not have these. It just is my spirit. God has blest me with a resilient spirit that bends along with life’s tragedies and sways to the beat of happiness when such is available.
I always wondered why I could easily bounce back from even the darkest abyss that I sometimes visit. I wondered if it were false bravado. I wondered if I were just being foolish. Alas, it is very simple. I cannot help it. It is my gift… knowledge that I can forge ahead despite circumstances, despite what or how I feel at the moment… despite it all.
Sometimes my eggs shout for fulfillment. I am thirty three and my cervix yearns to be filled up. There are days, like this very minute, when I stare across a room looking at a blonde tot with his equally blonde, needless to say, good looking dad, when I wish for a blonde tot [not to mention the dad 
] that I too can call my own. To cradle and kiss and smell… And I tell God that I am waiting, still…
Like a child, deprived of her candy, sometimes I would be petulant about it, wondering why my journey has taken so long… so far. At other times, like now, I would be hopeful and be thankful to my Great Creator that He has brought me this far, that He has allowed me to go on this very exciting, often roller coaster-like of a journey that is called my life.
Everyday I have to make a choice between loving my life and disliking it. And everyday I choose to love it despite the struggles that come along with being who I am- the moments of indecision and faltering steps, the mistakes that are a dime a dozen…
I love my life because it is sometimes happy, at other times tragic (I must admit, I am drama queen personified). It is filled with interesting characters and crazy adventures you would not believe actually happen in real life (oh the stories I could tell… to my select friends who know, let’s laugh about it over a glass of chilled merlot or a cup of steaming espresso-with-extra shot-latte-extra-hazelnut-syrup), filled with angst brought on by my romantic notions of this and that….
At other times, I look at people’s faces and wonder “where had that spirit been?" Have those eyes ever stared at loneliness before, and bravely said “It’s ok. You can sit here with me and I will try my best to ride the tide along with you”? I look and I wonder, "what brought on that smile or what caused that frown?"
And I wonder still if those faces have visited the places my heart has been to. If they too have heard the stories I’ve lived or listened to the tune that has beckoned to me? Or danced to with wild abandon?
So this is what it’s like to be alone? To have your thoughts speak to you and feel them… and accept that there are good days and there are bad days… and while I sit here in my corner, watching the world revolve in its axis, I tell myself that today is already the best day of my life, not tomorrow or next week or when I fall in love again, or when I go on that trip or when I buy that beautiful outfit with matching shoes, or when I reach that weight, or when I have a baby or get married (whichever comes first), or when I get that better car or better condo or that thing or that stuff…
Today, as ordinary as it is, is really God-sent and yes, we are exactly here where God would want us all to be…this is where He has brought me. And God never makes mistakes.
