Wanderlust… to soar in a grand way…

Part II- Listening to the world outside

I used to love taking walks by myself. Or jogging. Or sipping a cup of delightful coffee outside, while I sit by the sidelines not minding the world. I don’t do that anymore.

At least, not as often as I used to. I got acquainted with fear… or worse with apathy. I stopped looking at the world and began to just see me. I magnified my own imperfections and became self-conscious. Coffee-sipping has lost its magic- now it has to be with a friend or with a book or with any writing material. I could not be outside and appear aimless. I could not stand being still.

I wonder where the energetic, vivacious, adventurous, silly girl went. I miss her. I miss being brave. I miss being still and not caring what the world thinks. I want to stay in one corner and just be, not worrying where the next accomplishment has to come. I miss laughing at the world. I miss laughing at myself. I wish this was just a hiatus…

I love staying home, in my tattered but sexy skimpy shorts and tank tops. I love walking around my house half-naked. I feel sexy like this. I love looking at myself in the mirror, naked, admiring the nooks and crannies of my body. Laughing at my wrinkled buttocks, my huge thighs, my flawed breasts. Making fun of myself. I feel humanize when I touch myself- my soft, smooth skin tells me I am real…

I love dancing to very loud music inside my room on a Sunday morning, when I get out of bed and pretend I am in my little black dress. I love wearing my stiletto shoes. Ruby red shoes that transform me into a vamp. As the world outside flows, the tide of life comes and goes, I can’t help wish I could listen to the world again.

Part III- A day trip

I woke up early that day but mother was up before the word go. Water Front Cebu is the nicest place to wake up in.

Breakfast was buffet but I had to leave that to mom as I had a day trip to Bohol in little less than 30 minutes. And so there I was, with hair still damp from the shower, I braved the streets of Cebu in a cab to get to the SuperKat that would take me to the land of the tarsiers and the tears of the giants. But all of these seem inconsequential now, as I recall not making memories with my mother. She is gone now, leaving a hole in my life.

I do not know if I’ll ever be whole again.

So what of it if I saw the ruins of the churches and countless historical sites that make up the story of Bohol? So what of it if I had a wonderful lunch on-board a ceilinged-raft while we traverse the rivers of this quaint place? So what if I held that tiny tarsier on the palm of my hand or had it rest on my shoulders while I donned a big smile?

These do not matter now. I wish I knew better then. I would have stayed in the hotel and enjoyed breakfast with nanay and talked to her about stuff, about anything as long as I was with her. Now I can only wonder, strain my memory for remembrances of her…

There are days that I am afraid that I will forget how beautiful you are. The way you smile and how your eyes light up looking at me. I am afraid that I will soon forget how your voice sounds. That same voice that used to sing to me at night. These days, my life is unfolding. I met someone you see. He’s nothing like the other creeps that I used to blabber about. You would have really liked him. Like I did.

I miss you.

And I am afraid that someday I’ll stop missing you, just because life is getting busier and more complex. I am afraid that my journey will no longer be yours, as opposed to what we planned. That life as I knew it when I was your favorite girl would never be the same. I don’t want to forget.

I want to remember your scent. How your hands felt when they comfort me at 8 or at 30. I want to remember the long talks at night when the lights are out. When I hear you snore and I whine coz I could not sleep. Then I’d laugh coz you really snored funny.

I don’t want to forget how we’d argue and you’d let me win. And how I’d argue with the rest of the world and you would cheer behind me. I don’t want to forget the phone calls at the end of the day. How we’d talk for hours like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t want to forget how we say goodnight. How you said I love you and I said I love you for the last time…I don’t want to forget…

Babae Ka..

May alindog
Hinubog ng panahon, hinobog ng kamay ni Bathala
Mabilog, matangkad, maliit, balingkitan
Ni kahit anong hugis nilalang, iisa ang uri- Babae.

Babae Ka
Nagbigay buhay sa bawat nilalang.
Nilikha ni Bathala upang bumuo ng buhay.

Babae Ka
May tapang.
Misteryo ang iyong lakas sapagkat ikay mistulang hangin sa pagkamalumanay.
Ngunit bagyo ang iyong galit kaya ayaw mong subukan.

Babae Ka.
Alam mo ang iyong halaga.
Hawak mo ang iyong kapalaran.
Ang mapulang buhay na nagmula sa iyong pwerta
Ay bantayog ng iyong lakas.

Bakit ka nakalimot?
Bakit mo inakalang tapos na ang iyong laban?
Saan napunta ang iyong tapang?
Bakit inubos ng panahon ang iyong laman?

Babae Ka.
Bakit ka ngayon sunod-sunoran
Sa daloy ng nakararami?

Babae Ka
Nagbigay buhay sa bawat nilalang.
Hinubog ni Bathala para humubog sa sanlibutan.

Gumising Ka. Bawiin mo ang iyong tadhana.
Babae.