CUNY
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
The Graduate School and University Center
The City University of New York
In pursuance of the authority vested in it by the laws of the State of New York
The Board of Trustees of the City University of New York
Confers upon
MELCHOR VERONQUE CANTORIAS
Who has satisfied the requirements of the university
The degree of
Doctor of Philosophy
Chemistry
With all the rights and privileges thereto pertaining
Dated in the City of New York this first day of October two thousand and six.
Signed
I was filled with so much pride, reading these words in the diploma
that arrived that day. The messenger carried this big parcel and I was
excited to open it, knowing it was my Kuya Nonoy’s diploma, sent
directly by the CUNY to me.
It would have been sent directly to our mother.
Instead it was sent to me, my kuya nonoy’s baby…
Mother is gone..sadly.. this should have been her honour.. her privilege..
Instead, it became mine.
I went around the office, not feeling the least bit ashamed, showing off the diploma to my friends..
Beaming with pride like a mom, as if I had laboured to send my kuya to that grand city that is New York.. the big apple..
I wanted to cry then.. I wanted to tell the heavens- Hey, my Nanay
deserved to have seen this, deserved to have gone to New York to
witness Kuya’s commencement exercises..
She deserves it..
But what do we really deserve? Do we deserve the life that we have?
Do we deserve the pains and joys that visit us each day, as life
unfolds?
I think those fast questions were God’s way of comforting me. Do I deserve anything? I don’t, yet He gave me so much..
Well for one thing, he gave me 30 wonderful years with
Nanay-wonderful, generous, loving, sweet, understanding Nanay- who was
and always will be my best friend.
Did I deserve that? Spoiled-brat-selfish-ungrateful-diva daughter that I was?
Then He gave me Kuya Nonoy- my Kuya who thinks the world of me… whom I trust with my life-literally.
I have been blest in many ways, many times over.. but God overwhelmed me with the gift of my mother and Kuya Nonoy.
I did not know it then, when mother was still alive- that I was
blest. Not lucky- luck did not have anything to do with it. It was
blessing that smiled at me like an angel.
But losing Nanay, and realizing what a gargantuan loss it was for
me, also scared me many times over about the thought of losing Kuya
Nonoy.
I sometimes worry about his health, knowing how volatile and
dangerous his work is- he is a Postdoc fellow at the MU Nuclear
Research Center.
And I have not seen him since 2004, when he came home that time to
literally watch our mother fade away… It was a sad reunion of sorts. .i
remember that nanay had been unconscious for a month already. I kept
talking to her that nonoy was arriving soon.
I fetched Kuya that day from the airport and we went straight to the
hospital,.. we were so amazed. I was amazed.. nanay was awake! She will
get better, we thought hopefully. She was lucid that whole week.. then
the final heart failure that took her life.. took our lives.. my life..
Kuya then was my strength. He was everyone’s strength.. I nearly
broke down that night we were getting ready for our trip back to
Bacolod- to lay our mother’s body to rest..
I think I did break down. And I remembered now how Kuya just held me
and told me to be strong.. to carry on.. to be brave for nanay.. for
him.. for tatay as well.
And he just sort of held all of us together. He held me together. I
was ready to unravel. I wanted to unravel, like a thread from a torn
skirt.. I was torn, I was broken.. I broke to pieces that day when
nanay died, and Kuya just picked all the pieces up, and put me all
together.. without me even knowing or realizing it then..
Even thousands of miles away, he manages to calm my stretched nerves
when my affairs here in Manila fall apart. He knows me, inside and out.
He knows me even more than I know myself. And he just loves me
notwithstanding…
He listens to me rant and rave about the mundane and the sublime. Like nanay used to.
And now my kuya is a Doctor. Studying about cancer and finding ways
for early detection of melanoma (I think its even more specialized than that but
it’s too GREEK for me to even dare discuss) …
I think I told him many times how grateful I am to him. For never
being disappointed at me- even when I fail him, countless times. For
his love, regardless.. For his grand plans for me (Remember Noy, how
Nanay listened to us with pride when we made plans for her then? When
we didn’t have titles and money was really really really scarce? When
Nanay’s eyes filled with so much hope pinned on us? I remember.)
You do her proud.. you are such a living testimony of how well Nanay
raised us..(never mind me smile smile), of her sacrifice, of her love,
of the beauty of her soul..
She’s so beautiful and every time I think of you, I remember how much of her spirit is in you.
You make me so proud. You amaze me with your gift. I hope someday this baby makes you proud too.. Somehow..
