Wanderlust… to soar in a grand way…

I love the beach.  I love that it is the perfect place where I have an excuse to wear the skimpiest clothes regardless of my weight.. where i have no need for make-up.. no need to even blow-dry my hair.

I love that I can lie around here almost half naked and its not a bad thing.  And this very recent find- this Oceana- is another great get-away close to paradise- quiet, relaxing, near Manila-hence-convenient, great food, great service.

I can spend the entire day by the pool overlooking the ocean, reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom, listening to my music, and writing this piece on a side note.  What a marvelous way to spend an entire weekend, away from the nasty noises of city life- the bickerings, the politi-fucking, the all-around craziness that an attractive, smart and  busy gal, such as moi, has to contend with (strong reactions, anyone? hahaha!)   

I need this time with/by myself- just breathing in the sweet ocean breeze, watching the calm waters of the sea and tempting myself with the cool pool waters.  It’s almost like summertime and the living is easy- so goes the song.   

The other day, I had a full body massage by the cabana- the oils speaking to my skin in a language only the body could understand- languid, easy, warm and cool all at once, delicious, enticing..  I dozed off and the world did not seem to matter.  I was alone, and it was perfectly ok.

Night came and my diver friends- who spent half the day underwater- joined me for a dip in the pool, while sipping cold margaritas under a moonlit night.. snippets of conversation about life, love and sex in between dips and sips.  Too, this place is meant for divers and lovers.  Maybe, when I come back, I will be all of the above.  Who knows?  Life is exciting in the way we do not know how it unfolds.

Soon, I will be leaving this beauty- recharged for the daily grind of city life, ready to take on the exciting changes at work.  This whole weekend made me remember that since I work hard, I therefore have all the right in the world to PLAY EVEN HARDER.  Because if Madonna had her way, anyone who can’t stand the heat should get off her street.

And this gal can most certainly stand any heat..

p.s. pictures to follow soon (Jules and Mike- are you scared yet? For me?! hahaha!) 

Part II- Listening to the world outside

I used to love taking walks by myself. Or jogging. Or sipping a cup of delightful coffee outside, while I sit by the sidelines not minding the world. I don’t do that anymore.

At least, not as often as I used to. I got acquainted with fear… or worse with apathy. I stopped looking at the world and began to just see me. I magnified my own imperfections and became self-conscious. Coffee-sipping has lost its magic- now it has to be with a friend or with a book or with any writing material. I could not be outside and appear aimless. I could not stand being still.

I wonder where the energetic, vivacious, adventurous, silly girl went. I miss her. I miss being brave. I miss being still and not caring what the world thinks. I want to stay in one corner and just be, not worrying where the next accomplishment has to come. I miss laughing at the world. I miss laughing at myself. I wish this was just a hiatus…

I love staying home, in my tattered but sexy skimpy shorts and tank tops. I love walking around my house half-naked. I feel sexy like this. I love looking at myself in the mirror, naked, admiring the nooks and crannies of my body. Laughing at my wrinkled buttocks, my huge thighs, my flawed breasts. Making fun of myself. I feel humanize when I touch myself- my soft, smooth skin tells me I am real…

I love dancing to very loud music inside my room on a Sunday morning, when I get out of bed and pretend I am in my little black dress. I love wearing my stiletto shoes. Ruby red shoes that transform me into a vamp. As the world outside flows, the tide of life comes and goes, I can’t help wish I could listen to the world again.

Part III- A day trip

I woke up early that day but mother was up before the word go. Water Front Cebu is the nicest place to wake up in.

Breakfast was buffet but I had to leave that to mom as I had a day trip to Bohol in little less than 30 minutes. And so there I was, with hair still damp from the shower, I braved the streets of Cebu in a cab to get to the SuperKat that would take me to the land of the tarsiers and the tears of the giants. But all of these seem inconsequential now, as I recall not making memories with my mother. She is gone now, leaving a hole in my life.

I do not know if I’ll ever be whole again.

So what of it if I saw the ruins of the churches and countless historical sites that make up the story of Bohol? So what of it if I had a wonderful lunch on-board a ceilinged-raft while we traverse the rivers of this quaint place? So what if I held that tiny tarsier on the palm of my hand or had it rest on my shoulders while I donned a big smile?

These do not matter now. I wish I knew better then. I would have stayed in the hotel and enjoyed breakfast with nanay and talked to her about stuff, about anything as long as I was with her. Now I can only wonder, strain my memory for remembrances of her…

There are days that I am afraid that I will forget how beautiful you are. The way you smile and how your eyes light up looking at me. I am afraid that I will soon forget how your voice sounds. That same voice that used to sing to me at night. These days, my life is unfolding. I met someone you see. He’s nothing like the other creeps that I used to blabber about. You would have really liked him. Like I did.

I miss you.

And I am afraid that someday I’ll stop missing you, just because life is getting busier and more complex. I am afraid that my journey will no longer be yours, as opposed to what we planned. That life as I knew it when I was your favorite girl would never be the same. I don’t want to forget.

I want to remember your scent. How your hands felt when they comfort me at 8 or at 30. I want to remember the long talks at night when the lights are out. When I hear you snore and I whine coz I could not sleep. Then I’d laugh coz you really snored funny.

I don’t want to forget how we’d argue and you’d let me win. And how I’d argue with the rest of the world and you would cheer behind me. I don’t want to forget the phone calls at the end of the day. How we’d talk for hours like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t want to forget how we say goodnight. How you said I love you and I said I love you for the last time…I don’t want to forget…

Babae Ka..

May alindog
Hinubog ng panahon, hinobog ng kamay ni Bathala
Mabilog, matangkad, maliit, balingkitan
Ni kahit anong hugis nilalang, iisa ang uri- Babae.

Babae Ka
Nagbigay buhay sa bawat nilalang.
Nilikha ni Bathala upang bumuo ng buhay.

Babae Ka
May tapang.
Misteryo ang iyong lakas sapagkat ikay mistulang hangin sa pagkamalumanay.
Ngunit bagyo ang iyong galit kaya ayaw mong subukan.

Babae Ka.
Alam mo ang iyong halaga.
Hawak mo ang iyong kapalaran.
Ang mapulang buhay na nagmula sa iyong pwerta
Ay bantayog ng iyong lakas.

Bakit ka nakalimot?
Bakit mo inakalang tapos na ang iyong laban?
Saan napunta ang iyong tapang?
Bakit inubos ng panahon ang iyong laman?

Babae Ka.
Bakit ka ngayon sunod-sunoran
Sa daloy ng nakararami?

Babae Ka
Nagbigay buhay sa bawat nilalang.
Hinubog ni Bathala para humubog sa sanlibutan.

Gumising Ka. Bawiin mo ang iyong tadhana.
Babae.

Perhaps there are people in this lifetime that are meant to be alone… To explore themselves in ways that coupled people cannot do nor fathom, simply because couples no longer have the luxury of time or that they just do not have the need for it anymore.

I have truly explored myself (and I continue to explore!) as a lone entity after having been “coupled” for most of my adult life.  I say this without arrogance or sadness. It just is a fact and I cannot apologize for it even if my self-deprecating mode is up.

I am at times given to bouts of sadness that engulfs me for no apparent reason. But even then, even at the lowest ebb of my season, I cannot ignore the fact that I am content. Not the kind of “contentment” brought on by fame or wealth or a “great relationship”. I do not have these. It just is my spirit.  God has blest me with a resilient spirit that bends along with life’s tragedies and sways to the beat of happiness when such is available.

I always wondered why I could easily bounce back from even the darkest abyss that I sometimes visit. I wondered if it were false bravado. I wondered if I were just being foolish.  Alas, it is very simple. I cannot help it. It is my gift… knowledge that I can forge ahead despite circumstances, despite what or how I feel at the moment… despite it all.

Sometimes my eggs shout for fulfillment. I am thirty three and my cervix yearns to be filled up. There are days, like this very minute, when I stare across a room looking at a blonde tot with his equally blonde, needless to say, good looking dad, when I wish for a blonde tot [not to mention the dad ] that I too can call my own. To cradle and kiss and smell… And I tell God that I am waiting, still… 

Like a child, deprived of her candy, sometimes I would be petulant about it, wondering why my journey has taken so long… so far.  At other times, like now, I would be hopeful and be thankful to my Great Creator that He has brought me this far, that He has allowed me to go on this very exciting, often roller coaster-like of a journey that is called my life.

Everyday I have to make a choice between loving my life and disliking it.  And everyday I choose to love it despite the struggles that come along with being who I am- the moments of indecision and faltering steps, the mistakes that are a dime a dozen…

I love my life because it is sometimes happy, at other times tragic (I must admit, I am drama queen personified). It is filled with interesting characters and crazy adventures you would not believe actually happen in real life (oh the stories I could tell… to my select friends who know, let’s laugh about it over a glass of chilled merlot or a cup of steaming espresso-with-extra shot-latte-extra-hazelnut-syrup), filled with angst brought on by my romantic notions of this and that….

At other times, I look at people’s faces and wonder “where had that spirit been?" Have those eyes ever stared at loneliness before, and bravely said “It’s ok. You can sit here with me and I will try my best to ride the tide along with you”?  I look and I wonder, "what brought on that smile or what caused that frown?"

And I wonder still if those faces have visited the places my heart has been to. If they too have heard the stories I’ve lived or listened to the tune that has beckoned to me? Or danced to with wild abandon?

So this is what it’s like to be alone? To have your thoughts speak to you and feel them… and accept that there are good days and there are bad days… and while I sit here in my corner, watching the world revolve in its axis, I tell myself that today is already the best day of my life, not tomorrow or next week or when I fall in love again, or when I go on that trip or when I buy that beautiful outfit with matching shoes, or when I reach that weight, or when I have a baby or get married (whichever comes first), or when I get that better car or better condo or that thing or that stuff…

Today, as ordinary as it is, is really God-sent and yes, we are exactly here where God would want us all to be…this is where He has brought me.  And God never makes mistakes.

I have nothing special to say tonight.. no great epiphanies to share.  I came just to say that i do believe i am exactly where the Lord wants me to be, regardless of what/how i am feeling (or not feeling) right now.  But i must say, life is unfolding as it should and I look forward to sharing with you- yes, you- my adventures this year… tadah!

I don’t want to say goodbye, not yet…

I was driving my old decrepit car when I got the text message from my brother. He said for me to get to the hospital soon. I was on my way even before that message came and just at that moment I knew mother had gone.  I did not see her take her last breath, nor did i witness the drama of reviving her with that cold machine that shot electric current throughout her body.

But the night before, as my mother lay unconscious on her hospital bed, I bid her goodbye. I don’t know why I was so brave that night, and so calm as I whispered to her that it’s alright now. She was in so much pain from all the tubes and wires connected to her body, and the constant drawing of blood, until I thought she had nothing to give.

I held her body and told her how much i love her, not knowing if she could hear, but hoping that she does, that she did. They made me go home that night. There was no use getting myself all worked up, they said. Nothing would change…

And so morning came and you’d think that there was nothing peculiar about taking another breath while my mother laid in her hospital bed just the other night, with kuya and ate watching over her. I don’t remember now if it was kuya or ate that came up to me when I got to the hospital and said- “wala na si nanay”. But those words forever changed my life. Forever changed me.

How do you lose a mother I thought? One never loses a mother. She’s invincible, always strong and brave for her little girl. I remember how they restrained me from getting to her where the white sheets covered her still body. And I remember how the attendants tried to tell me that the “body” should have been taken away by now and preserved.

I shouted then, so much like the way they do it in the movies, but this time it’s for real, and it’s my mother being taken away from me- lifeless. Not breathing. I wanted the earth to swallow me. I wanted to die then. But I lived and it just felt so wrong.

I wish that I did not listen to them. That I stayed the night. That I should have prayed harder. That I should have done more… But there was just nothing I could do. I was not super girl after all. I was just this little girl-lost and I wanted my nanay…

I really did not want to say goodbye, not yet…

I had not always smoked.  I survived UP college days smoke-free. Oh, ok. Maybe I puffed a stick or two then thought better of it.  The habit never caught on. I thought the smoke reeked and my lungs just totally rejected it.  Then law school came and as they say, the rest is history.  Smoking became a crutch during wide-eyed nights reviewing for next day’s recitation.  It became even more of a crutch when bar review came.  Needless to say, I was hooked.

But I have always known that smoking was not good for me.  In fact, it is down right bad news.  But I smoked anyway, believing that my youth made me invincible. Seven years later, I started getting sick. There would be days I’d wake up out of breath, my throat itching like hell. And the "coughing" was not a party.  Smoking was no longer fun. I have turned into a mature, presumably confident woman, who has learned to be comfortable with her own skin. I no longer needed the “stick” to look or appear cool or to simply deal with boredom…

And so the epiphany happened.  I quit cold turkey.  No stages, no easing into the process, just an abrupt realization that I did not want to wake up out of breath anymore.  Life is funny this way.  Knowing what hurts or harms us, we nonetheless gravitate towards that dreadful thing.  Perhaps it is because we are such intelligent beings that we are able to rationalize every single event that happens in our lives, even the decision to smoke or to over-drink (alcohol, is there anything else?)… or to stay on in a mediocre relationship. Smoking is a bad way to pass the time, hanging on to the dying embers of an old flame is just plain pointless.

And so, as in all bad habits, quitting cold turkey seems to be the only way to go…no stages, no easing out- Just cut-off the dead weight with one swift motion.  In the end, life becomes simpler that way…

Does a long distance relationship work? Is there such a thing at all? Hmm…

With the realities of life as they are, one is often put in a place where compromise becomes the better side of daring or good faith for that matter.

You begin getting to know each other and everyday is not enough for that purpose. There are even days you don’t want the nights to end. Oh love makes you foolish, whether you’re 18 or 30. So really, it’s a test of your patience and ultimately of your character if you have to go without your “love-object” for days, weeks and months on end. For someone as touchy-feely as I am, that can feel like a lifetime, an eternity even.

So is it worth it? Is it worth waiting for emails and overseas calls amidst the agonizing thought that perhaps, at the end of the road, you could be both waiting in vain?

Psychologists have a term for it- delaying gratification. A child has to learn it early on in life otherwise he becomes a slave to his baser instincts and would probably grow up maladjusted.  I think we are all maladjusted in some form… one way or the other.  It is how we cope (and deal) with the trivialities of daily disappointments of unmet expectations and unfulfilled promises- like a phone call that was a day or two late, or an email that was just too short to satisfy your curiosity- that spell the difference between a regular bad day and getting the “blues”.

Having to wait for something is no easy task.  I admit that patience has not been one of my virtues. And these days I am discovering that my life is a lesson on hope, that no matter how daunting the day ahead may look, it is never too hopeless…that what you are waiting for may soon be within the horizon.

Something to do, something to hope for and someone to love- these make for a great life. I can’t recall who said this but I am darn sure she/he knows what she/he was talking about.  Isn’t that a delight? That life can be so simple?  And if you don’t have someone to love right now, then one can always hope that someday soon you’ll find the love of your life. What an exciting thought!

And so, as for the predicament I find myself in, I am certain that things will sort themselves out.  The universe is basically fair and just- it has a way of giving back to you what you dish out, though not necessarily in the way or form that you prefer.  But believe me, it’s something that you deserve, wrongfully or rightfully so in your eyes.

From this angle, waiting ain’t that bad girlfriend.

I’ve decided to give myself the best Christmas gift yet. I’ve decide to embrace ME…

Every bit of extra pounds that i can never seem to lose, even if I do summon all the powers from high heavens… every zit that goes haywire when my hormones rage… every line that slowly begins to show (i confess, i have not had a facial in 3 years! but hey, look at me, i am still every bit the passionate woman that i have discovered myself to be!)… every bad hair day and "i-feel-bloated-so-nothing fits" moments that would ruin an otherwise sun shiny day…

I want to celeberate myslef. Do you mind? I want to cleberate the woman that i have become and the challenges that i have yet to face. I am empowered. Equipped and able. Egor, an epiphany!

It was a long journey coming to this place. This place of warmth and acceptance. It was a bitch of a journey, i say! But it was grand too… filled with characters, places (not necessarily tangible, but here in my heart, nestling), memories, twists and turns… music and dancing

ANd now i am here. i am patting myself on the back, i will not wait or you to do that for me.  I will not wait for you to buy me a romantic dinner. or buy me happiness. i’ve decided to be happy now, even if i am 5 pounds overweight (ok, i’m lying about the number but this is my story so get out of here! :)), even if the bills keep coming regularly like clockwork, even if there are days that i am alone, even if there are days that i’d rather be alone, even if PMS feels a lot like hell, even if i can’t (and may never again) fit into my button fly 501’s…

As the famous Virginia SLims would say- you’ve come a long way baby. And i had  a lot of help. The Man Up there has such perfect timing, that the right character finds me at that precise moment when i have need of such person. There was my mother- nurturing and giving;   my kuya nonoy- the every season pal who knows me, as in really knows me and he’s not running the other direction; my gal pals- my girl friends who truly understand what it’s like to be single, in her 30’s, ambivalent about loves and careers, determined but putty in the hands, ironic…and then there are the schmucks who wander in my paradise and sometimes block my view of the sun- they too have their purpose, unbelievable as that may sound.

I want to embrace every hurt and wound, and the scars that i have to show for them.  Even the forgetable memories, they too have their reason for being. i will comfort myself. i will not wait for you to do that for me. But you can sit here beside me  and we can watch the sunset together.

I will not apologize for my bits of stars that shine like my own madness. i worked hard for them. So what if sometimes i may brag of what i’ve accomplished. You can brag too and i’ll listen to you. Let’s listen to each other and laugh at the world for its madness. There are too much laughters wasted on tears.

And yet, the tears are good too. they wash the soul. So i embrace them as well. I will hug them and cuddle them and call them George!

I don’t always have the answers. I am not strong all the time. My smiles sometimes mask my pain. But i am ok with that because tomorrow is another day. I am ok with that if you are.

I love this year. It was a roller coaster ride. Like a carnival. Like the woods in a beautiful novel, you don’t know what lies in wait at the next bend.

What a rush! What a journey! And to find this gift at the end of it all… that is really something.

I can hardly wait for next year…   

I am woman. Alive. Passionate.

Have been out in the rain and back.

Lived my life as I see fit.

I have danced with wild abandon; loved like you can never imagine.

Tragic- sometimes… often crazy. But never half-baked.

I have laughed with gusto…and have lived without excuses.

This is my story…. Unfolding…unraveling.

Sometimes out of control. Then I hit the breaks – sanity.

Now unafraid.  Then, behind a mask. Lost it. Exposed. Naked.

Clothed. Made-up. Frills.

Casual. Pedestrian. Sophisticated- trying… losing miserably.

Funny. Hair down. Again, crazy.

Bohemian soul. Conforming.

Antiquated. Current.

A walking irony.

But always myself… woman… alive…passionate.